I am so sad today


Posted by denise mckew , Mar 05,2002,09:58   Archive
I need to unload today. I am very sad for me. Part of my story that I haven't told yet, is that my first car accident, happen 2 weeks before my wedding. I had to wear a soft collar w/ my gown. Mike was 38 and I was 36 when we married. We were planning to start a family ASAP. However with all the medications and pain I was in things were delayed for about a year. We tried unsuccessfully for about 7 months then my pain came back. That was about a year ago. Then my second accident happened, more drugs and pain, and now BEB. I also had a cervical cancer scare last summer and had to have that removed.
We thought may be adoption would be a better option for us and went to an agency yesterday to learn more about it. Mike and I talked about all of the options, and it just doesn't seem to be a do-able thing for us. We just have too many variables up in the air right now w/my health. We don't know yet how the botox will work for me. Or even if the BEB will continue to progress. We also have financial concerns because I'm not working. That also limits our adoption options. And the adoption process can be a long one,at least a year and being that we are now 39 adn 41, we are just not sure anymore.
I always thought that I would have a child and be a mother. And now it really seems to be passing me by. I can't help but ask why? Why did I have to be hit twice by people not paying attention when they were driving? Why do I have to live in physical pain all the time? Why do my eyes have to spasm? And why can't I have a baby? It's so unfair. Why, when after I have accepted all the physicals challenges that I now have, do I have to accept a loss like this? How much can one person take? I am really hurting today.
I know there are no good answers. And I know I get through this too. I appreciate having a place where I can let go and vent. I am going to go make myself some tea, then take a nap. Thanks for being here.
Denise





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Re: I am so sad today

Re : I am so sad today --- denise mckew
Posted by Kelly Saffell , Mar 05,2002,11:00 Top of Thread Archive
I am so sorry you are having to experience such pain right now. I have 2 young daughters but the "process" of getting them here safe and sound was very difficult. I got pregnant with twins several years ago and spent alot of time in bed and at the doctor with spotting and cramping. After having a sono they realized it was twins and one of them had died. The other baby was fine so I was released to go back to work. Several weeks later we went to the doctor and couldn't hear a heartbeat. I had another sono and found out the other baby had died. I had to have a D&C and a week later got an infection in my uterus and had to be on extensive antibiotics and bedrest. Plus they discovered I had a partial molar pregnancy in which abnormal cells can continue to grow in the uterus and cause cancer so I had to have hormone tests regularly for several months before we could try again. Right before my original due date I thought that I was pregnant again only to miscarry a few days later. I finally conceived Morgan and once again was put to bed with bleeding. It turned out I had a tear in my placenta and was in bed for the first trimester. After a very complicated pregnancy she was born in May of 1995. That is when I developed BEB. I struggled just to care for her prior to diagnosis and even with botox things were hard for a while. We wanted to have another child and interviewed doctors (both that treat beb/botox and ob/gyn) for a year before deciding to continue botox during pregnancy. Cory was born Feb 1998 and is healthy. My heart goes out to you. I still remember how hard it was for me to see all of these people having children so easily and wondering "why me?" God has many blessings in store for you and your husband but sometimes waiting for Him to make His will known is the hardest part. You are in my prayers.
Kelly in Dallas



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Re: I am so sad today

Re : Re: I am so sad today --- Kelly Saffell
Posted by Kathleen Bowers , Mar 06,2002,09:03 Top of Thread Archive
And I am sad with you just now.....Kelly, I will be entering into my prayer time shortly....nothing is imposssible with God.....I don't know what the answer might be to your needs....but I do believe in our God who has numbered the hairs of our head....and His eyes are always upon me(you?)....let's claim what the disciples experienced when they saw Jesus....John 20:20b(NIV)...they were overjoyed! When I am extremely sad, I have learned to sing hymns of praise. Singing, hummning, and speaking helps me keep my eyes OPEN. And He puts His everlasting arms underneath to give support when I am about to hit the pits! And I grow toward God, Himself! On my way to my place of prayer, Kitty

I'm assuming that my PSI friends are still around in Dallas. There were so many of them that Texas always took the banner for high attendance.

--modified by Kathleen Bowers at Wed, Mar 06, 2002, 09:04:45




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Re: I am so sad today

Re : I am so sad today --- denise mckew
Posted by Delaine Inman , Mar 05,2002,12:24 Top of Thread Archive
Seems that BEB often occurs after a physical and/or emotional trauma. You are in the "Why me?" phase that is normal and we all go through it. It does seem you have had more than your share. You will get through this and come out on the other side. You will need faith, friends, family and maybe even professional help to get through this but you will. You have so much love to give and there are so many children out there who need love that in time I know you will find a way to give that love in a way you could never imagine. You've heard the saying I'm sure, "If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans for your life and how you are going to live happily ever after." Life happens to all of us and I don't believe he causes the "bad things" but he does give us the strength to get through them and when we look back we see he does have his hand on us and uses us in bigger ways than we could have dreamed. My heart goes out to you. I send you light, love, peace and prayers.



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Re: I am so sad today

Re : I am so sad today --- denise mckew
Posted by Joann Humphrey , Mar 05,2002,12:29 Top of Thread Archive
Your post to the BB makes me so sad too. I am so sorry things aren't going the way you would like. Remember, His ways are not always our ways. God bless you & I pray you will adjust to the situation.
Joann in Ark.



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Re: I am so sad today

Re : I am so sad today --- denise mckew
Posted by Sally - in - Idaho , Mar 05,2002,18:11 Top of Thread Archive
Hi Denise,

Thank you for trusting us enough to share your feelings. I hope that helped you, at least a tiny bit. I feel sad for you and with you. Life is bound to bring something happy into your world someday soon.

Is there a possibility that you and your husband would/could accept adopting an older child? There are so many who need love and it could be very rewarding. I have a friend whose daughter, now in her 40s, just adopted a child from the Ukraine, but I wouldn't advise trying that. Very expensive and nerve wracking before it goes through.

Please keep us informed of what is going on with you. We care and are here to offer our support and soft cyber shoulders to lean on.

Sally in North Idaho




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Re: I am so sad today

Re : I am so sad today --- denise mckew
Posted by kerry horton , Mar 05,2002,18:37 Top of Thread Archive
Hi Denise:
I'm not sure why, but your post today made a Rolling Stones song pop into my head - you know , "You can't always get what you want...but if you try real hard your just might find, you get what you need." I pray you can find some peace in your life as a place to rebuild your strength.
You might want to look into Cranial Sacral Therapy. It is kind of a form of massage therapy, but it can potentially help people who have had head/neck trauma as well as BEB. My Mom has BEB and is trying it right now. I think it is helping her deal with the disease and her eyes even seem a little better. It is a wonderful stress reducer, if nothing else. The premise of the therapy is to help ensure the proper flow of spinal fluid. It basically entails a session where you go and lay fully clothed on a massage table, while the practioner places their hands very lightly on different places around your body to facilitate spinal fluid movement. It is far more intricate than that, and I am no scientist, but it does seem to help Mom a bit, so I offer the suggestion.
There are about 60,000 cranial sacral therapists around the world. They are trained at a place in Florida called the Upledger Institute where the therapy was founded. They have a listing on their website to help find local practioners. Look for one with the letters ADV next to their name. They have completed the advanced training and were recommended to Mom by the institute for having enough experience to hopefully help with the BEB. The link is attached.
Hang in there. My prayers are with you.
Kerry in CT


Related link: http://www.upledger.com




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Re: I am so sad today

Re : Re: I am so sad today --- kerry horton
Posted by Ann Doyle , Mar 06,2002,06:50 Top of Thread Archive
My daughter and her husband take in foster children. Very difficult and very rewarding.
Sept. 13 my 23 year old grandson was beaten to death. One person did it and six others watched. One said "We didn't mean to kill him , Just rought him up a bit. " The police say they don't have enough proof. I wanted them to die and go to hell and suffer for eternity. Then God spoke to my heart and said "Ann, I love them too" I realized they are miserable and sufferring and felt sorry for them and now through some miracle, I want them to know how much God loves them and for them to go to heaven. That is not like me. I like to hold grudges. Ann Doyle
PS I still hate BEB and Meige and when it is really bad, I am hard to live with but my husband is developing patience. Ann



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Re: I am so sad today

Re : Re: I am so sad today --- Ann Doyle
Posted by June in Toronto (June Floyd,June in Toronto), Mar 06,2002,11:11 Top of Thread Archive
That's such a touching story Ann - the fact that you forgave (doesn't mean that you condone what they did) the perpetrators, tells what a very beautiful and strong person you are. Thanks for sharing.

June in Toronto(beb/meige)




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Re: I am so sad today

Re : Re: I am so sad today --- June in Toronto
Posted by Ann Doyle , Mar 06,2002,18:48 Top of Thread Archive
Nope,JUne, I'm not strong. One of my favorite bible verses paraphrased is "My strength shows up best in weak people." I was so pleased when I first read that. I was glad to be reminded that God forgives since I need to be forgiven frequently. Also I know he is just so I don't have to think about what happens to them but I really would like them to know that God let his only son suffer and die for their sins. Ann



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Re: Feeling better

Re : I am so sad today --- denise mckew
Posted by denise mckew , Mar 06,2002,08:37 Top of Thread Archive
Thank you all for all your words of encouragement. I am not feeling so heart-broken today.
A long time ago, when my first boyfriend broke up with me, my Mom told me that letting go is like a splinter. At first it's deep and festers and hurts all the time. Then as time passes it comes to the top, it hurts less, and you can remove it. It may leave a scar, but there are many people walking around with scars. It's all part of being a caring person.
I really believe that when one door closes, another one opens. I just have to be ready when it does.
In the meantime, life goes on...there's medical forms to fill out, laundery (lots of laundery), and chairs to varnish. Not to mention dinner at my moter-in-laws, my nephew's basketball game, and meeting my sister's new boyfriend.
Thanks again for being here.
Denise





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Re: Feeling better

Re : Re: Feeling better --- denise mckew
Posted by Ann Doyle , Mar 06,2002,18:52 Top of Thread Archive
Denise, I've also found out that everytime I get through some hard time; I come out a much stronger person and I've always learned a lesson. Ann Doyle



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