Birth Mother

Posted by Claire Wolstencroft , May 03,2002,13:18   Archive
This isn't really to do with bleph..but I just wanted to share with someone. I was adopted when I was 13weeks old and I never knew anything about my birth mother until about a year ago when I traced her current address through a person finding agency. I had her address, which was only about half hour drive from us..but couldn't bring myself to contact her.Last Sunday I mentioned this to my good friend Jaqui who drives me to church on Sundays, and she said"I'll go and meet her for you"
Yesterday we went to visit..Jacqui went to the door and said I am trying to trace the mother of Jane Lesley..(my name before adoption)and the lady said "That's finished and done, it's a closed book. So Jacqui came back to the car. As we were sitting there wondering what to do next the lady came out of her house and over to the car. She was indeed my birth mother but had never told any of her family,including her husband, about me.As her husband was in the house at the time we had put her in a difficult situation.
We talked a while, and we looked so alike..even both wearing bright pink jumpers! She was very shocked and tearful, but she has taken my name and phone number and says she may contact me again when it's all had time to sink in!
She was a very lovely lady, and I am so at peace now that I have seen her..however I wonder if i have exchanged her peace for mine. I feel I have come into her life like a hawk into a dovecote..did I do the right thing?
I had to knowe though and as the years passed I knoew that one day ot would be too late...
I'd now like to write her a letter with photos of me and my faliy and a short bio, but my husband wonders if I should leave it until she contacts me. I wish I had given her my addess as well as my phone number..
The emotion has made my eyes act up.. Driving today I realised that I probably won't be able to do so for much longer..I also found that as it's been a cloudy day with the sun suddenly appearing, the change in light intensities upset my eyes. Does that happen to anyone else? I think I might try polaroids

Love to you all,
Claire in Cloudy Macclesfield..with three naughty kittens!

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Re: Birth Mother/Claire

Re : Birth Mother --- Claire Wolstencroft
Posted by Kathy in Atlanta (kathy,Kathy in Atlanta), May 03,2002,13:34 Top of Thread Archive
I think you did the right thing, your lifelong wondering is now not a torment and look how lovely she is. You should out of consideration for her feelings go very slow.Give her some time and be discreet if you need to contact her, remember she has a husband who knows nothing about this. perhaps you could say , if it comes up, that you are the daughter of an old friend of hers that had died and you promised to look her up as they were very close. This might also eventually give you some insight into your beb. and she might even want to help you there if you need it, who knows?

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Re: Birth Mother

Re : Birth Mother --- Claire Wolstencroft
Posted by Evelyn , May 03,2002,22:48 Top of Thread Archive
Hi Claire, I would not recommend anything but honesty and perhaps some time here. We adopted our daughter when she was a baby. After the birth of her daughter she went into a terrible depression that wouldn't go away. We decided to have her look up her birth mother. We thought the depression might be hereditary, and it was. This was about eight years ago. The birth mother lives not far away. Now our daughter knows "who she is" and it's helped her a lot. This decision was not easy for us, but best for our daughter. Now she has two families, and we are friends with them also. I'm glad we didn't wait, as the grandmother died not long ago...a very nice person. We will always be the parents and questions have been answered for many people. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
Evelyn, near Seattle.

--modified by Evelyn at Fri, May 03, 2002, 22:49:42

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Re: Birth Mother

Re : Birth Mother --- Claire Wolstencroft
Posted by Lynn Yarbrough , May 04,2002,12:02 Top of Thread Archive
Our daughter has a close friend (I will call her "Ann", short for "another"!) who had a really strange experience along these lines. Ann knew she was adopted, and as she approached adulthood she made some attempts to find her birth mother, with no success. After graduating from HS, Ann found a job in another community and moved into an apartment unit there. A few days after moving in, she met the couple who lived directly above her, and was invited for coffee. During their conversation, the woman asked more and more personal questions about Ann, finally asking if she was adopted. Everybody was astonished to learn that the woman was Ann's birth mother, and living in the same building! The woman had recognized Ann because it was like looking at a mirror - their resemblance is striking. So Ann also discovered two siblings she had known nothing about, and now both families have grown.

This situation turned out well, but I have heard of numerous cases where it did not, where the birth mother wanted nothing to do with the child and the memory, and only wished to keep her secrets secure. Those can be quite painful for everyone concerned.

The connection between generations is extremely thin in the case of BEB. I have heard of only one family where there are multiple cases. So tracking down birth parents for the sake of tracing the origins of BEB seems really fruitless. My advice: Don't go there.

--- Lynn

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Re: Birth Mother

Re : Birth Mother --- Claire Wolstencroft
Posted by Claire Wolstencroft , May 04,2002,13:49 Top of Thread Archive
Thanks for your replies you wonderful people. This morning I received a phone call from my birth mother saying that she was very sorry but there could be no contact for the time being as she could not tell her husband..he has a serious heart condition at the moment. She was lovely and said that she would have loved to have met and give me a big hug but maybe when the time is rigthin the future..
I will leave it was good to know that she went on to have a happy life and that she is a lovely person

Love to you all, you are all so lovely too. For the first time for a long time I no longer feel alone with my stupid eyes!

Claire and three cuddly kittens,(6 weeks) and three beautiful adult cats!

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Re: Birth Mother

Re : Re: Birth Mother --- Claire Wolstencroft
Posted by Evelyn , May 04,2002,23:00 Top of Thread Archive
I'm glad your birth mother contacted you. Maybe what she told you will give you some "closure" on your anxieties about the situation. If your adoptive mother is still living, concentrate on showing her your love. We adoptive parents need to feel that we are appreciated and loved as well:)

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