Posted by: June in Toronto ®
12/08/2002, 06:05:58
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Dear Rita,I'm so glad you posted as many on the bb have or are going through what you are experiencing and will post back I'm sure. You are obviously a wonderful daughter to be caring for your Dad so well. I left my parents in the U.K. in 1960 to come to Canada and didn't have to go through looking after aging kinfolk, but I had many different guilt trips throughout the years about leaving them and especially when they were ill and eventually passed on. You have documented very well the plus' and minus' of the situation and you will know when the time is right for your Dad to go into a nursing home. It will never be an easy decision to make, but you will do it with love and compassion. It never hurts to pray on the subject for guidance and strength. Love and best wishes. June in Toronto
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Posted by: Ann Doyle ®
12/08/2002, 14:43:43
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Rita, you would be doing the best thing for your Dad, yourself and your family by putting him in a home. You are not equipped to take care of him. You don't have the experience or training.
Just because it would lessen your burden doesn't make it wrong.
It won't be easy but you can do it.
When I was looking to find a home for my Mom, the first place I looked, I only got halfway down the hall and started crying and had to leave, I don't know why. The beginning of the end?
She broke her hip and was hopitalized before I admitted her. She was in the hospital 8 weeks. The hospital was remodeling and moved her to a different floor. She thought she was put in home,in her deranged mind and was furious. There was no way to convince her she was still in the hospital. She may have just as well have been in a home. I left my email address. Thereis more but it is personal. Ann Doyle
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Posted by: Delaine Inman ®
12/08/2002, 15:31:36
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My heart goes out to you, along with hugs and prayers and guidance that what is best for all will become clear to you. Just trying to help my daughter with my granddaughter a few days or hours really makes my stress level rise when I do it for more than a few hours unless she is in a wonderful mood and I am having a wonderful day along with her. It was hard for me to tell my daughter that I had to do less for my sake and my husbands. I know this doesn't even compare to what you and Shirley are going through. I just don't know how you do it. 3 of my 4 grandparents lived past their 90's and ended up in a Nursing Home. It was an agonizing decision for my parents, but they could not do at home what a good Nursing home with 24 hour care could do. It was the best thing for all concerned even though it wasn't easy. They visited often .....we all did, even though it was hard to do. Both my parents have told us that they would want to go to a Nursing home under the circumstances if they become confused and disoriented and for us not to feel guilty if it comes to that. It would still be really hard to do. Even people in good health can't always keep their parents at home and if your Dad were lucid all the time he would tell you he knows you'll do what is best for everyone, especially for yourself. That is not a selfish thing to do.
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Posted by: Cynthia ®
12/08/2002, 16:30:52
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Moving a parent into a nursing home is never an easy thing to do and sometimes it's not always the best answer but when caring for a parent becomes a detriment to your own health no parent really wants that for their children, do they? Should the time come when it's necessary, be sure you pick out the best one you can find/afford and be sure to visit as often as you can. Your father's apology for "being so much trouble" may be his way of telling you it's OK to move him to where others can help with his care. I've told my family that when the time comes when I can no longer care for myself, then move me to a place that gives such care, but please come and see me even if I don't know them.I'm sure others will tell you also that you must take care of your own health before you can be a help to others. Prayers for you in this difficult decision,
Cynthia in IL
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Posted by: colleen ®
12/08/2002, 19:03:15
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Rita I had to move my Dad to a nursing home when he was 95.
It was the hardest thing i ever had to do.I lived close so i could go and spend time with him every day.I went a lot at meal time so i could make sure that he was eating.He adjusted to it a lot better than i thought he would.He passed away at age 99.I still feel some guilt but did what i had to.He knew that i couldnt give him the care he needed.
We all have a hard time but we seem to do the rigt thing.
Take Care Cooeen in IL
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Posted by: Kathy in Oregon ®
12/08/2002, 19:22:58
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My heart goes out to you. I have cried so much over so many things also. The lucidity when it is there is the most heartbreaking. I think perhaps for his own safety and yours , a nursing home might not be a bad idea. How can you contantly watch all of this when your eyes are bad?? Getting older is a sad thing when it deteriorates so rapidly.
Another option is adult daycare , however, a senior center where you take them, where they have planned activies for them during the day and then sleep at home.
--modified by Kathy in Oregon at Sun, Dec 08, 2002, 19:24:14
Modified by at Sun, Dec 08, 2002, 19:24:15
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Posted by: Dorthy J Bowman ®
12/08/2002, 20:41:03
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Rita, my thoughts are with you in this difficult time. I too took care of my parent and she became more of my child than my parent and I felt I had lost a child. It took 6 years of all my husbands, grandchildren and my patience because I also worked full time. I felt a burden lifted and a BIG guilt trip all at once when I placed my mom in a nursing home. One thing that I will tell you, you will feel a loss of purpose when your dad is being cared for by others. I know you must have made a lot of sacrifices, sleep, quiet time, sharing with your husband and having time for yourself. Keep the good times you have had with your father close in your heart. May you find peace in your heart.
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Posted by: Dorthy J Bowman ®
12/08/2002, 20:41:04
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Rita, my thoughts are with you in this difficult time. I too took care of my parent and she became more of my child than my parent and I felt I had lost a child. It took 6 years of all my husbands, grandchildren and my patience because I also worked full time. I felt a burden lifted and a BIG guilt trip all at once when I placed my mom in a nursing home. One thing that I will tell you, you will feel a loss of purpose when your dad is being cared for by others. I know you must have made a lot of sacrifices, sleep, quiet time, sharing with your husband and having time for yourself. Keep the good times you have had with your father close in your heart. May you find peace in your heart.
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Posted by: Sally - in - Idaho ®
12/08/2002, 23:18:14
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Hi Rita,Thanks for trusting us enough to share your feelings. My heart is with you. My mother is 85 1/2 and suffering many ups and downs of congestive heart failure and other problems that pop up. It has me on an emotional roller coaster, even though she is still in her own home a few blocks down the road. I have no siblings, do you? My sons are wonderful at sharing the responsibility with me, but the ultimate guilt will be mine when she can no longer stay at home. I think we fear the major change when our parents can no longer be our stalwart caregivers and support, and they become more and more the one needing help and care. It's not easy to deal with.
It sounds as though the time is here, or very near, when you will have to take that next step for the good of all of you. Just dealing with my mother, I know what an extra stress it puts on the BEB/Meige symptoms. Good luck to you. You're not selfish; in fact, I'd say that you are a very caring, loving person. Sally in North Idaho
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Posted by: Rita Molnar ®
12/09/2002, 15:56:15
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June in Toronto...Ann Doyle...Delaine Inman...Cynthia...Colleen
...Kathy in Oregon...Dorothy J. Bowman...Sally in Idaho...Thanks so much for your words. They meant more than you can even know. I'm about to print them out and keep them nearby to read whenever I need re-enforcement, strength and common sense. I have a meeting with the Medicaid people tomorrow to discuss financial requirements for nursing home replacement. That's just the beginning of a process that will take several months, and I know there are many emotion-filled days in front of me. So, if you would, please remember me in your prayers once in a while. The one bright side is that maybe--just maybe--my BEB and Meige can be relieved a bit once I know dad is comfortable and cared for in new surroundings, and the stress of this will pass. (Please, God !!) You are good people....thank you so much for listening to my whining... and thanks for your insight!! Hugs...Rita in New Jersey
--modified by Rita Molnar at Mon, Dec 09, 2002, 15:56:45 --modified by Rita Molnar at Mon, Dec 09, 2002, 15:59:18
Modified by at Mon, Dec 09, 2002, 15:59:18
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Posted by: Delaine Inman ®
12/09/2002, 21:45:01
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You were not whining at all. Sharing and venting feelings you have a right to feel is not whining. Share any time .......we care and will be praying for you and keeping you in God's Light and Love.
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Posted by: Dee in OR ®
12/10/2002, 11:50:35
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Hi Rita,I can empathize with you 100%. My 84 year old mother lives with us in a very small house and even though she is still fairly independent, it is a HUGE strain on me and my husband. My mother came to live with us right after I was diagnosed with med induced tardive dystonia, including blephs. That's not the reason she came to live with us, but I can say it was bad timing!! You (we) need to take care of yourself or no matter where your father is, you won't be any good to him. And you already know what is best for all of you. TRUST YOURSELF and really listen to your Inner Spirit - you already have all the answers. DeeOR
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Posted by: Lynn Yarbrough ®
12/10/2002, 13:53:37
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Before I retired I used to do a lot of flying, and listened to the flight attendant say "in the event that oxygen is required, put your own mask on before helping your children with their masks". Sure you want to help others, but if you don't first care for yourself you won't be able to help those you love. Don't let guilt drive your efforts: be practical about your own limitations. Yes, your first reaction is to throw yourself into the situation in order to help. But if you aren't healthy yourself, how much can you accomplish for someone else?Cheers, --- Lynn
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Posted by: Shirley-Arkansas-USA ®
12/11/2002, 15:31:59
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Hi Rita,
I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten worse for your dad. You know that I understand as my dad is living with us and he has numerous health problems and Dementia.
Whatever you decide, I'd like to make one suggestion that helped me and my family tremendously. After bringing my dad home to live with us from his assisted living facility where he was having major difficulties due to his dementia and hallucinations, we found over a few days time that he would not be able to stay with us without 24 hour supervision. Because of this, we had him hospitalized and evaluated by a Geriatric Psychiatrict Unit in a hospital. It was very specific for dealing with elderly people with dementia. He was in this locked unit for a little over two weeks. It was the best thing that we could have done in determining what the problems were and how to deal with them and what medications he needed and didn't need to be taking. They gave us options and with the proper medications the hallucinations have stopped and we are able to still care for him in our home. Even if we had made the decision to put him in another facility (which we probably still will have to do at some point), the hospitalization was critical for diagnosing and providing a proper treatment plan. There are new medications out there for Alzheimer's Disease and various forms of Dementia which so many of our elderly population deal with. Medications that can improve cognitive thinking and slow or stop the progression of many forms of dementia. Some of them are very expensive, though. My dad has a good medical and prescription plan and for that I am very grateful. A nursing home or GP is not going to do an evaluation of this type that my dad had done. If he has good insurance, I really feel that it would be worthwhile to do an evaluation such as this. Most large hospitals can do this and have specific programs. To be diagnosed properly and make sure that he is on the correct medications will only improve the quality of life that he has left-be that in your home or a nursing home. Rita, you may have already even done something similar to this but I thought that I would at least suggest it as others will also be in the same boat at some point in their lives. Medicare covers such a hospitalization. Medicare will also then cover, I think that it is the first 30 days of a nursing home, if the patient has been hospitalized within the past month. They may have to get physical therapy during this time. We recently went through this process with my mother before she passed away. You have been there for your dad for many years and he knows that you love him. Things will work out. It is very sad to watch our parents go through this. I understand how frustrating it is for you and your family and also for your father. Just continue to love him and make a decision that is best for the entire family. I know how difficult it is. Shirley in Arkansas
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